i was reading over older posts today. maybe it was the post baby hormones talking but i really used to like my son william back in his diaper days. lately, it feels a bit like the twilight zone that never ends. i know you are thinking,"oh, he's 3, that's how 3 years old are, especially boys. he'll grow out of it." somedays i am able to heed these consoling words and find comfort and other days i want to bash my head against the wall and tell everyone to shove it(just so you know i wouldn't really say those words to anyone, so i will continue to work on my impure thoughts, thank you very much)!
it feels as if the terrible two's are never going to end. before william was born i felt like i had raising kids in the bag. you give them the rules, they make their choices and you deal out the consequences or the natural consequences are dealt for them. they in turn learn to obey and make good choices.
NOT WITH WILLIAM STRATTON!!
he turns things all topsy turvy and forward and backward. one minute he is cuddly and sweet and the next he says he hates you and slams the door in your face. it is quite trying on a mom's heart strings. daily i struggle with my own self-control to not yell, belittle or smack his behind. he has brought me to my knees so many times, i think i may just stay there one day and never get up...or end up with chronic arthritis.
tonight at dinner he said, "this is the best dinner ever mommy. thank you my love bug"(btw, we had rice a roni from a box and cinnamon toast, not one of my better dinner moments...which is a lesson in itself that kids are definitely okay with simple and easy, you don't need a lot of fluffy, oh and lovebug is his nickname for me). so sweet right?? as i was typing this blog post, he came in and vehemently starting pounding on the keyboard and when i asked him to stop he continued, laughed and ran away. i locked my door and he started screaming at the top of his lungs and then yelled, "i hate you!" i began retyping, while ignoring him, and a few minutes later i hear a small knock. "yes, william?" i asked as i opened the door. "mommy, i am sorry for messing up your typing," he apologized.
sometimes i feel as if i have a budding split personality on my hands.
i studied child development; i read child development books FOR FUN. come on people, what is the deal?? why can't i just control this kid? i think the answer is just that, i can't control anyone! william, i am learning, comes with his very own personality, thoughts, feelings and definite opinions on things. while it is my job to teach and guide and love, i can't control him!! this is hard for me. i like order in my life. i like to feel in control of the balls i juggle and when i don't, i feel failure.
listening to conference this weekend, i was reminded by one of the speakers that we need to become as a little child. i thought, what the...!!! william is crazy! but then again, so am i(maybe, this was how i was as a child? i know i have heard the horror stories. retribution maybe?).
the speaker went on to say that we often learn how to parent by watching our children. that they teach us more than we teach them.
as i pondered on this, i thought, that is so true!! william, even on his bad days, can still forgive me for getting upset. he will still let me cuddle him and love him and apologize. he will still want to play with me and want me to read him books. he doesn't hold a grudge for months or years against me(on occasion he will hold a few minute grudge), unyielding to my desire to want to love him and do better. i constantly think about the example i am setting for my older kids. they see how i deal with william. that alone, is enough to make me want to crawl in a hole and take up residence. but even they forgive me and try to help with william. i feel i am learning a lot about repentance and forgiveness through this period in my life. it has definitely humbled me and provided an opportunity to take inventory of my life and how i treat my loved ones.
one day at a time.
prayerfully.
i trust in a new day.
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